Not Knowing: Epilepsy, Cancer, Whatever…

*I wrote this last Wednesday night… 

Before today, through all of this, I’d really only cried- like balled my eyes out, snot from my nose- one other time. I’d had too little to eat and a couple drinks celebrating my birthday with 2 of my girlfriends… the stress melting as I sat back and mellowed. At the end, the floodgates opened. Tears and puke. I PUKED. Picture of grace and elegance Megan. Ugh, I haven’t done that in forever… but I think it went beyond the alcohol.

It wasn’t until I let it all loose, tears down my cheeks, words tumbling over each other out of my mouth, wondering whether my husband’s cancer had invaded other places. It was the not knowing. And it poured out of me. (My poor friend.) All my fears. Me being without him. Literally sick to my stomach at the thought of a morphed “us.”

NOT KNOWING.

Don’t so many of us know that feeling? Don’t we?

With any disease or disorder… But I can only relate it to Epilepsy. Not knowing timing of the next seizure. Not knowing meds, side effects, whether it will work. Not knowing when your spouse is going to crack. When your child exchanges “I just can’t right now” for “I don’t want to” in his head. Not knowing. I think we never know.

I sure as hell never knew the world’s most common brain disorder would become my own. I never knew I slept next to a man with cancer growing in his body. For both of us, no evidence whatsoever and then BOOM.

So after hearing; “Babe, I have cancer.” Then, “We got it all” to “We found extra cells outside the tumor.” And this morning, “Pathology came back negative for those extra cells…” I allowed myself to let it go. Breathe out.

I hung up the phone, pulled my car over and rested my forehead against my hands folded over the steering wheel. Little splatters of wet christening the black leather, dissolving into patterns on the blue of my jeans.

Knowing. Finally knowing.

Then I laughed at my reflection, fixed my make-up and resumed my drive to this morning’s meeting where I needed to persuade an Epilepsy advocate to join our OC Care and Cure team…

Grateful for reassurance in finally knowing. I can only wish that for all of us, Epilepsy or otherwise. 💜