Digging Deeper

My husband and I don’t usually buy each other gifts for holidays or birthdays- we prefer to go out or experience something new together with said money. However, this year he broke the rules and told me he found a little something he wanted me to have, just a little something. So, in turn, I purchased a few “fun” little games for him. Little being the keyword and I figured if they turned out to be a disaster, I’d just send them back and we could go somewhere and pic something else out, together. You see, it was already 3 weeks of not driving for me so I did all my shopping, quickly, online. Sort of a Catch 22 since I’m supposed to avoid screens but I had no other option.  A first, and it turns out, I’m pretty bad at it. lol Anyways, Christmas came and his gifts were nowhere to be found yet and I felt let down and guilty. At least he’d purchased something little.

For something so insignificant, he was alarmingly giddy and extremely eager for me to open his gift. In fact, he dragged me into the living room Christmas Eve before our son was up and sat me down on the couch, handing me a brightly wrapped, surprisingly heavy, red and silver box. Oh no, this isn’t something little. He lied and went big. I was certain. I mean, he wouldn’t even sit down beside me; he just stood in front of me with a silly grin, saying open it… open it! lol So I did. And I about crapped my pants.

Now, most of you, especially those in the “working world” will probably yawn at my gift, even scoff at the overwhelming excitement and my now even-sillier matching grin when I tell you the source of my joy… but I don’t care. :) He’d bought me a Surface. A safe place for my words to fall and an avenue to propel my writing to a new level. No longer would I compose on my old, slow, slightly embarrassing laptop (although I’ll miss its fuchsia color) that skipped keys and took forever to edit and save documents. He wanted me to take myself seriously, to show myself my own capabilities. To show his confidence in me. Boy, do I need some confidence right now. And although I wasn’t supposed to be on the computer, iPad or iPhone for elongated periods, he told me to fire it up and see how it works. Make it my own.

Knowing how ridiculous it sounds, I’ll admit, when I saw my reflection in the screen and the words “we’re setting things up for you,” I literally almost cried. I thought, now I’m serious. I can take this “Epilepsy thing” wherever I want to go. Ridiculous. (Told you.) That was December 24^th. I didn’t get to write that day since we had family to visit and holiday festivities, aaaand I needed to be healthy over the next two days- only brief snippets of electronics. No triggers. But I closed the computer feeling optimistic and eager. Much more positive emotion than I’d felt over much of 2015.

So here we are- January 14^th– and I’m finally using my Surface. The holidays are over, and after getting my first solid night’s sleep since adding Keppra to my Lamictal, I am ready to write. I can’t tell you how many posts I’ve composed in my head over the last few weeks, posts that I swear were genuine and genius but are now lost because I didn’t feel well enough to note them. All those moments of experience and emotion I failed to capture. Whatever- each day holds new experiences and new emotions, or old experiences and familiar emotions. I hope you’ll continue to take the journey with me…

And I hope you’ll help spread any knowledge or awareness I may humbly bestow upon you in 2016. For, there’s so much below the surface I can’t wait to share with you.