My “#2”: Choices of Motherhood & Epilepsy

Number 2. No, not THAT number 2 ;) but a second baby. When my husband and I had our first, we said we’d try again when Nolan turned a year old. Here we are, D-day, and I can’t “pull the trigger.” One, I don’t know how I’ll be able to love another one as much as I love this little man; two, he is so exciting now with his developing personality and daily accomplishments, I want to be able to enjoy it without being tired from pregnancy; and three, I’m scared. When it comes down to it, I know what I went through last time and I’m uncertain of how I can handle that while keeping up with my #1 :) Yes, I know what to expect this time around, so we can try to prevent and adjust to a lot of situations but it’s still new and it’s still unpredictable. I know there are hundreds of thousands of women who deal with/have dealt with epilepsy and pregnancy and have made it just fine, but there are also a lot of “what ifs” to deal with again. What if I drop down and have a seizure while holding Nolan? What if I’m bathing him and I go into an episode and heaven forbid he drowns? And what if baby number 2 doesn’t come out quite as “perfect” as my little Nolan? I will have done that to that tiny bundle, and how can I then give enough attention to them both? I don’t want one to turn out more perfect or “complete” than the other… I want them both to have the same start in life.

I remember going in for each one of Nolan’s 3D ultrasounds and I could hardly breathe until I saw all of him- I was so excited and nervous each time. I had to hear that everything looked “wonderful” and that he seemed to be a thriving baby boy before I could exhale. Just thinking about it now makes me hold my breath and I know I’ll have the same fear and anticipation with #2.

I know there will be lots of times I’ll have to set Nolan in his crib and he’ll cry and wonder what he did wrong (he doesn’t like his crib :) ) so I can lay down and wait for an aura to pass, or heaven forbid, have a seizure. I don’t want to hear him cry while I am in between conscious states and not be able to comfort and hold him. He won’t understand, but he’ll have to. I don’t want him to watch something so disturbing, or to somehow remember what I looked like during a seizure. He won’t understand, but he’ll have to. And (this may sound weird but) I don’t want him to become afraid of me because of what he may see…

I remember when I was pregnant with him and my husband would leave for work- he would kiss my tummy and whisper to Nolan, “you are the man of the house while Daddy’s at work. You take good care of Mommy while I’m away and make sure nothing happens to her.” I’m sure Daddy will say the same thing to him when I’m pregnant with #2 and I can just picture Nolan (by that time) standing next to me, holding my hand, replying with, “I will, Daddy!” and a grin on his face. We both know he won’t really understand, but Mommy’s so sorry my love…

you’ll have to.