We’ve had an up-and-down relationship, you and I. Over the last 15 years together, we’ve broken up for several years, reunited, repeated, broken up again and now we’re back together. I guess you could say our song would be “I Put a Spell on You…” lol Although this is an abusive relationship and you take more than you give, and I know you see other people, there’ve been a few moments when you’ve actually shown me love. And on Valentine’s Day- a day celebrating all kinds of love- I want you to know you’ve enriched my life more than you can comprehend. I realize this may surprise you given my frustration and anger over the years; nonetheless, it’s true…
You’ve shown me a mother’s love. I’ve always known I had it unconditionally, but a child never fully understands the heartache of a parent until an unbreakable, unhealthy bond like ours emerges. Like any abusive relationship, you’ve caused inexplicable pain and suffering, and I’ll never fathom why you continue to do so. But, I know I have the love of a mother, who would sacrifice anything to take away the pain you inflict. One who’s spent countless nights questioning why God would put you in my life. Her love stays with me at all times, and I know it endures right beside me. She’s selfless in this love. Always.
And through our up and down trials spanning the last 7 years, I’ve found another love; a husband’s love. Yes, he already cherished me, but because of our relationship, it is a more fierce, protective love than I have ever known. The nights you’ve come along and bewitched me, it is my husband who scoops me up in his arms and gently carries me to a safer place, picking up the pieces you have left behind. He holds me when I cry, and kisses away my scared tears. He despises what you do to me, yet he is the most forgiving man and accepts that you and I are forever connected. He carries the load willingly.
Lastly, trying to understand our turbulent relationship has exposed me to a compassionate love- the love of strangers- both the others you see and their families/friends. Experiencing their unconditional love and empathy, enables me to form reassuring relationships from which I gain, and hopefully give, strength. Though you may visit some more often than others, your cruelty binds us together and we are more powerful in that awareness.
So on Valentine’s Day, when we share our feelings with those most present in our lives, I wanted to say I will never accept the way you treat me, Epilepsy, but your presence has opened my eyes to a myriad of loves of which I am truly undeserving… thank you.
Always and gratefully,