People write a lot of lists when it comes to sharing their life’s struggles and I’ve always wanted to do one myself. I wanted to write about the things I regret because of Epilepsy… and I could genuinely only come up with two. TWO! (Well, maybe three if you count that time I had a grand mal during sex. Talk about scaring the sh*t out of someone else… hahaha Birth control and the way it interacts with certain drugs. Yep, became a lot more knowledgeable after that incident. 😬) Anyways, considering how much Epilepsy’s altered so many stages of my life, I don’t understand where all my regrets went. Nonetheless, here are my big two:
1. I regret wearing my white linen slacks and that baby blue racer back tank top 2 days before my 20th birthday… I had a grand mal while putting on my make-up and it splattered all over me when I dropped to the floor. I rarely tried to look good for class but I had a smokin’ TA for Milton Studies (I was an English major) and it was almost my birthday so I thought I’d look cute that day for fun. (My best friend, Kat, knows eeeexxxxxactly who I’m referring to…) Ugh, that make-up never came out of my precious tank. And it was practically designer. I looked hot in that piece. Never made it to class that day and the tank top was lost in the abyss long ago… *sigh*
2. I regret never studying abroad while I was in college. I was too attached to my doctor, my safety net of family in that uncertain period. I never said what the hell, and pulled a Nike. I stayed close to home and didn’t risk rocking the Epilepsy boat with new stressors, unknown places… hospitals. You know, many people travel safely, alone, with Epilepsy all the time. They share the same experiences as fully healthy people. They do/see much, if not all, the same monuments, places of historical importance, hidden treasures down side roads. I’ve seen some of those things now, but I stopped myself then. And I regret it. There’s no freedom like in those initial years of adulthood and no time like that present to take advantage of what the world has to offer you. I held back- I was new to the Epilepsy game my freshman year- yet almost 20 years later, I’d do it over differently. I guess what I’m saying is don’t let it scare you. Don’t be intimidated by your disease, disorder, condition, whatever. Mesmerize others by how much bigger you are than your disease… That’s what I’ve taken away from my reflections. I’m bigger. I just wish I would’ve believed it then.
Sooo, I guess that’s my “list”- not clever or extensive. Maybe that means despite all this crap, I’m pretty damn lucky…
But that I already knew without any hindsight. 😉