2016 for me was by far the most painful year. Epilepsy played a large part in its undoing and led to conflicts I never thought possible. Some were mended and others remain. It’s always those remnants, those fragile, splintered pieces that continue to drive deeper into one’s side as time passes. Time heals all wounds was a crock in 2016. People do. People heal all wounds. I learned hurt stems from others but it’s also created by one’s self as well… we all have a role. Now it’s what I choose to do with my part. So I want to leave it behind- the sick-to-your-stomach feeling, the worry, the heartache- all of it. Make myself a better person and wipe the slate clean. I hope I am strong enough.
This is two-fold. I need to leave behind the expectations I magically assume others will meet and the unrealistic expectations of myself. I want to find contentment in what I experience rather than finding the shortcomings. Even if they are present, I need to be the kind of person void of disappointment because I never expected anything in the first place. I want to live a life where whatever comes is a bonus…
Never in my life have I been as angry, or mean, as I was this year. These new meds took me to a place beyond the extremes of my previous responses to situations and I regret how I handled the most trivial of issues. And if I’m being honest, this number three is mostly an apology to my husband. There are times when I wonder how he lived with me in 2016. Where he found the self-control to keep his mouth shut in response to certain outbursts or relentless petty, sarcastic comments. My behavior when exhausted or frustrated with my health deserved much more severe retribution at times… I spawned most of our arguments in 2016 and I deeply regret giving anger that power.
One doesn’t determine exactly how his/her life will turn out (also a crock for whomever made that sentiment famous 😉) BUT I refuse to be powerless in my reaction to what I’m dealt. I am my biggest advocate for myself and there is power in action. Whether I attempt and fail is another issue. lol But I WILL attempt in 2017, even when I lack the confidence. I’m tired of allowing myself to be paralyzed.
I know a lot of you probably have a problem with this. “Honesty is always the best policy” blah blah blah. lol No it’s not. Not for me. (With the exception of my husband… poor guy 😊) I’m not condoning lying to everyone around you for personal benefit, but I will say, there is a time and place in life where honesty doesn’t do anyone any good. Each person holds his/her own truth- what is honest in his/her eyes- and those beliefs likely won’t be changed in expressing your own truth. And your truth likely won’t change by someone else’s. So why do it? If your honesty isn’t going to benefit anyone, there’s no need to share. Looking back over this list, it actually only led me to experiencing 1-4. 😊
Will I be successful? Who knows. And that isn’t the point. What’s most important is I’m resolving to try…
(And probably try again. 😉)
I’m moving forward… and 2017’s looking pretty sweet. 💜