What makes you a runner? Would I be considered a runner? I was thinking about that today as I did my first run in over a week. And I guess I started to view the definition more figuratively considering my answer… I feel like for the last couple months I’ve been running towards something. A cure. But today was different – today I felt like I was running from something. My Epilepsy. Last Tuesday. The grand mal I am so terrified is right there. The moment when I have a seizure in front of everyone or no one. Those thoughts propelled me forward. I was running away.
In fact, today was my first day out of the house on my own. I ran along the beach, wind blowing like crazy (eeeeeerrrrrr, I hate wind! lol), sunny but crisp and cool. It felt so cleansing – all this peacefulness before me. Large puffy, gorgeous white clouds dotted the sky and the water glittered in reflection of the sun. I took it all in while running and I felt renewed. There were even patterns of ripples across the sand, untouched by anyone. A place where you could find sanctuary. A place where you could run from whatever it is that ails you, haunts you, follows you. I felt faster than “it.” My heart felt lighter and more hopeful for the days ahead. And my body felt pretty good considering our issues. I even popped into the Starbucks on the way home from my run for a coffee. (Don’t worry, I was careful; decaf of course. :D) After days without, it was a perfect treat as I walked the rest of the way sipping and simply absorbing the sun.
That run is what I will cling to for the rest of today and what helps soften this past week of fear, anxiety and uncertainty. It starts to fade the tears of the last few days and the depression stemming from being trapped in the house, unable to drive or go anywhere, restricted from iPhone, iPad, and computer. Basically isolated. And hopefully I will be able to add another run tomorrow and one the day after that and so on, until I am back on my training schedule. Back to feeling I have some sort of control again. This past week and the struggles I know I have before me- adjusting my meds, new testing, new doctors, etc- only serve to push me forward towards my goal of running this marathon and working towards a cure.
Am I a runner? Am I running towards something or away from it… who knows? What I do know is I’ve been running for everybody else – which is my goal and what I want to do – but I realized today, I was running for myself.