You Can’t Always Not Give a Flying You Know What: The Innocent Misconception

Two of her fellow bridesmaids, very sweet and whom I truly enjoyed getting to know throughout the day, look at each other with the logical conclusion in their heads. Here was this big-haired, outgoing blonde who had had more than one too many drinks and was hammered off her a**. I saw them look at each other and smirk, then give knowing looks to their husbands whose grins confirmed they’d drawn the same conclusion. All I wanted to say was- you have no idea…

We needed to leave; there was no other option despite my stubborn insistence that I was okay. I clung to my husband’s arm focusing on putting one foot in front of the other. I felt people looking at me, making the same observation I’ve often made about other girls who did just a bit too much partying at a get-together. I wanted to turn around and scream in frustration- I’m not drunk! In fact I’ve only had a couple of drinks! I’m trying not to have a seizure in the middle of this gorgeous wedding! Of course I couldn’t… I hated the judgment I saw and the embarrassment I felt. But who would blame them? Strangers, those two bridesmaids and their husbands, random guests waiting next to us for their cars to be brought by the valet… I can’t judge them; they’re not “bad” individuals. They just don’t know, and in all fairness, I don’t expect them to.

On the way out I ducked into the bathroom while he waited outside (against his wishes and my better judgment). I needed to gather myself in a quiet place before seeing other guests on their way out. Practice breathing. I was in front of the mirror when I looked up from washing my shaking hands and saw myself twitch. I broke down- huge sobs combined with stifled groans. Tears coursed down my cheeks, unchecked- little raindrops disappearing into the fabric of my dress… Totally unlike myself. And I finally realized, you can’t always not give a flying you-know-what. Tonight I actually cared people thought I was probably this ditzy blonde who couldn’t control her alcohol intake. I’ve always been conscientious of how to handle my Epilepsy in public, but never truly self-conscious…  It was the first time I’d ever felt this way. I wiped the streams of mascara from my cheeks and ducked out of the empty (thank God) bathroom, where I ran into another one of the bridesmaid’s fiancés. He looked stunned. No doubt more fodder for our table’s conversation as to why we disappeared so suddenly. I could only speculate: Man, how much did she drink? She’s definitely outgoing, but who knew?? (with a few laughs) Poor thing, she’s going to feel like crap tomorrow.

You have no idea…

I always feel guilty and can’t stop apologizing for taking my husband away from our friends and celebratory situations, especially since this was our wedding anniversary night as well. We were really ready to party! :) I remember in the Uber on the way home, my husband made an interesting analogy; he said, “You’re like a shooting star – you go so hard and burn so bright and your body finally says I need a break, and has to fizzle out.” It actually made complete sense. lol After I apologized for the umpteenth time, he smiled and said, “Stop apologizing! I get to take home the hottest bridesmaid!” And I thought to myself- are you kidding me?? I get this man by my side for the rest of my life!

We ended the night watching a movie on the couch, both feeling disappointed and I, floaty and heavy at the same time. The next morning, I picked up my discarded bridesmaid dress and saw the mascara-tinted circles of black and I thought; sometimes you can’t help but care how others perceive you but I’m so lucky when it comes to those who really count…

You have no idea ;-)